It’s been nearly a year since my mom died. It still feels unreal. Often, it feels like she’s just absent, but might walk in the door at any time or be on the other end of the phone. She feels as immediate as ever; after all, I’m surrounded with memories of her, gifts from her, thoughts of her. But at the same time, when I try to connect with her, I don’t feel her there. When I try to push through the ether to send her a prayer, I feel like I’m leaving a voicemail. She is all at once there and not.
And when I think of the joy my son is missing by not having her, I break. My mom was the most fantastic mother on the planet. She was born to it. She always made me feel loved, she was so fun, she was so kind, she was straightforward, she was soft, she was tough, she knew how to get things done. To think my baby won’t know her laugh is soul-crushing. To think my mom won’t know his coos is heartbreaking.
But I also know that in some way, she knows him, that maybe she held him before he was born. After all, I had dreams of her: a dream that I told her I was pregnant, a dream where she told me what name she liked best. She is there, but not in the way I most wish her to be.
Losing my mom makes every moment precious. It makes me quick to express joy and also grief. Every moment with my son is wonderful, something to cherish. I also grieve every passing second knowing he will never be so small or fragile again. I am at once enjoying every moment in the moment, trying to soak it all in, but at the same time I feel those moments fleeting. I wonder if my mom ever felt that way, if she tried to wring every ounce of happiness and wonder out those early months. How did she carry the burden of motherhood with her grief? After all, she lost her mother not long after my sister was born (and years before I came into the world).
Knowing that we both have trod the same path feels like some sort of curse, but I also feel some comfort. My mom gave me all the love and happiness and joy I could have asked for without her own mom to turn to. Now, I’ll do the same for my son. I hope, like me, he feels so loved by his mother.
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